Greatest lost

12 years ago I lost you

I didn't lose you because I forgot you somewhere

I lost you because God wanted his most prized possession back.

I can’t remember everything about you as clearly as I want to

But I also cannot forget you.

Your face is engraved in my brain

Your picture on my dresser

A big house, empty.

Where your voice once was, silence screams.

I was young, but I remember

They wanted to keep me away

But when the ambulance came, I saw

I knew…

Saving Private Ryan

“God, please don’t let my oupa die”

Monday, September 20, 2000 at 07:30

No time for goodbyes

My denim dress at your funeral

My confused thoughts

Lost

I wonder if you know who I am and where I am

Are you looking down at me with pride?

What advice would you give?

You were and still are my greatest love

You were the first one to break my heart into pieces

There will forever be a gaping wound until we meet again in heaven

God spoiled me rotten by giving me an angel like you

I pray he sends me a husband as pure as you

I miss you more everyday granddad 

“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, John Hughes did not direct my life.” This is my favorite line from the movie "Easy A" starring Emma Stone.

I actually hate movies. Maybe it's just me and my over active imagination but I watch these stories about love and I think to myself:  "What a load of bullshit!" The things that happen in these movies do not happen in real life. The men in these movies do not exist. I probably sound like some bitter cat-lady but I assure you I'm not. I would just like for men to take the hint. I would just like for men to be good old gentlemen from centuries ago. 

It's the simple things in life that make girls happy. For instance if you open the door for her, bring her flowers, late night chats without any intentions of scoring. If these men exists today can someone please direct me in their direction?

I am still very young but I'll be honest I am scared of dying alone. No, I am not interested in getting married right now or even being in a super serious relationship but I would love a companion. Someone I can hangout with, drink with, cook with and kiss passionately, someone who doesn't question my every move. But no, the only male species that I seem to be attracting these days are guys who carry little black books with photos of all their victims. I am sorry but I don't want to be another slut on your hit list. 

My head has been spinning for days now trying to figure out whether or not I will give in to one of these black-book-carrying-men because my head is saying "YES YES YES! He is gorgeous, yummy, sexy, look at that mouth" but my heart is saying "Have you lost your fucking mind? Look for a companion. Someone that will respect you" 

This is probably one of the most useless, dumbest, confusing blogs I'll ever post but I just needed to get this of my chest (no, I'm not texting you a pic of that!)

When life does NOT hand you lemons

This is a more personal blog. A blog where I will write about my feelings...

It's hard for me to write about feelings because I don't like them. I don't like them because they build up inside me and then it's like a bomb that explodes and I cannot control it. The last couple of weeks have been really hard on me. Stressful.

You're probably reading this and thinking "How in the hell is your job stressful?" Dealing with teenagers is very emotional and add to that the fact that they are being moved to a different country. That is stressful on anyone. But aside from my job, my personal life at the moment is causing me great stress, I think it's more frustration than stress though. And I can't talk to anyone about it because everyone wants to give me their 2cents and all I want is for the person I'm venting to, to tell me I'm allowed to have these feelings... So now, to deal with all these feelings and frustration I'm writing about it.

My frustration starts with the fact that I'm in school and I don't want to be in school I want to be in movies/ TV shows/ on stage. I want to walk down the street and see smiling faces looking at me saying "I loved that movie, I was laughing so much!" or "I could really feel your emotion" I could care less about the money. I just want to see people smile and know I'm the reason. People tell me that I have to be willing to work hard, like they think I just want to walk into a casting and get the lead role. I KNOW I have to work hard and I'm willing to work my ass off to get to the top but I need someone to take a chance on me. As I'm writing this I have tears streaming down my face because I am so passionate about this but I don't know how to make this dream come true. I need to find someone who will be my agent and work for just about nothing, but believes that I'll make it to the top and that they will get a big payday then. I'm frustrated that I didn't grow up in a family that know people who know people because let's be honest 80% of how you make it is based on who you know.

Instead of having the world at my feet I'm sitting on my bedroom floor packing up 2years worth of shit to move back to South Africa. A country that I love but a country that has become to small for me to want to live there. Living in America has given me an appetite for bigger things. Yes, packing up 2years of your life is nothing compared to packing up 10years or 25years. But when you've grown as much as I have in the last 2years it would be hard for you to do too. When you're doing something against your will it's even harder. I just need to find a way to come back...

I'm frustrated because I feel like I was born to be a performer. I'm frustrated because I don't know why God gave me talents and made me passionate about something that is so hard to make a living of. While most people my age dream of their wedding day and having kids, I have my iPod in my ears dreaming about performing side by side with Lady Gaga or starring in a film directed by Clint Eastwood.

But life does NOT want to hand me lemons...yet.

The Battle of Gettysburg

I am a complete nerd. Yes, I just said that. And why do I say that? Well, because I really love things that no one cares about. My brain is filled with useless facts. For instance, the Washington Monument is sinking by a quarter of an inch each year, if Rose shared the raft with Jack they would have both died because of the weight on the raft. Pretty much useless information, but I'm a curious person and I need to know things.

Last year my host dad suggested that we drive out to Gettysburg. I've been wanting to go there for weeks and I think my nagging finally paid off. The reason was not because "Ghost Adventures" had investigated there. The reason was because one of the bloodiest battles in history took place there and I wanted to see where it happened.

I'm a very visual person. When someone tells me something it's like their words become pictures in my mind. So as we drove up the road to the battlefield I saw the battle taking place. I could hear the shots going off and smell the gun powder. I could feel the energy of those 160 000 plus, men fighting for what they believed in. Hear their cries of pain.  We got out of the car and walked around and looked at the battlefield while my host dad or "Pep" as we call him told us facts and stories.

Here are some facts about the battle: The two armies (the North and South) collided just outside of the town on July 1, 1863. The total engaged forces were 165,620 of which 93,921 were Union and 71,699 were Confederate. The total estimate of casualties were 51,112. Commanding the Union was George G Meade and commanding the Confederates was Robert E Lee. The Union claimed victory on July 3, 1863 and the three day battle came to an end. This is the most famous and important Civil War Battle.

After we toured the battlefield we grabbed lunch at and Irish pub. All of us were chatting about our favorite parts of the battlefield and asked some questions. My only question was when can I come again? We walked in the town for a while and it felt like I walking the streets of 1863. The sidewalks and shops look like they are still from back in the day and I love that. It was like taking a walk back in time.  I was walking past this huge tree when I noticed a sign. It read "Lincoln walked past this tree" I giggled to myself. Well, so have I! I also
walked past a shop that offered Ghost tours and hunts and that caught my attention immediately.

Gettysburg is an awesome place to visit and I recommend you go there soon. It's such an important part of history.

I feel a very special connection to Gettysburg but more about that in my next blog...

Thinking about "someday"

Most of you know that I'm always on the internet reading news, entertainment and sometimes just random stories. So I started reading Kelly Crigger's blog a few months ago because he co-wrote one of my favorite books and we tweet every now and then and just because I really like how straight forward he is. I came across a post on his blog that I really enjoyed called: "Someday" and you can read it here: http://www.kellycrigger.com/someday/

This post got me thinking about "someday" and how my view of "someday" changed as I grew up. When I was a little girl I thought that "someday" I would be the first female South African fighter pilot. I grew up a few miles from an air force base and my mom is to this day in the South African Air Force. Other little girls wanted to be teachers or fairies but all I wanted to do was fly at the speed of light and do those fancy twists and turns and dog fights. Me in an F16 chasing a Grippen. Even today there isn't anything I love more than the sound of a jet, making your insides shake and your eardrums burst.

But then I grew up and reached the 6th grade. I still loved my jets and was still planning on becoming a fighter pilot but I discovered that singing also lit a fire in me and when I got to play the lead role in my school play in the 7th grade another fire lit up within me. I now also wanted to act. So I wanted to, "someday", be a singing/acting fighter pilot. That can be done, right?

In my junior year in high school that "someday" thing or place, fell apart. I couldn't do the math. I didn't understand the science. It's not that I am dumb, I just didn't understand.

So I had to re-evaluate my plans for "someday". I decided to focus all my attention on dancing, singing and acting. Words can not describe how proud I was to be awarded "Actress of the week" at a local play festival. I finished my senior year with high hopes for myself. I was just going to study drama and then walk into an agency be signed and go to America and make it.

The thing with "someday" is that it doesn't go according to our plan. I never said: "Someday I'm going to go to America and be an Au Pair for 2years." But "someday" decided that I would. It's like "someday" is an entity. It's like "someday" is a bully, carving desires into our hearts that we may never achieve.

I'm 21, I don't have it all figured out. I don't know what I'm going to do when I return to South Africa. Finish my degree, do my masters. Then what?

My "someday" plan is to travel A LOT and to entertain people. My "someday" plan is to own property on the beach in Clifton. My "someday" plan is to get married and love someone so much that I can't breathe without him. My "someday" plan is that "someday" exists.

I hope "someday" comes one day... Soon...

Time is running. Make it stop!

It's been 1year and 8months since everything changed. And in 3months it will all be taken away.

I finished high school with big dreams for myself. I was going to study Drama at the University of Pretoria. Get a good acting job and be discovered. Move to Hollywood. Be America's sweetheart. But someone found out that this was my dream and threw a bucket of water in my face so I could wake up. Unfortunately I opened my eyes and gave them the middle finger. I came to America anyway!

They say good things come to those who wait. And so I waited. I found an American family that could not love me more if I asked them to. Well we found each other thanks to Go Aupair. I remember how excited I was to be moving to a place minutes away from Washington DC. So July 31 2010 I anxiously drove to the airport only to find out the people who booked my flight, booked it for August 31 2010. Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe how I felt as we left Johannesburg International Airport. "We are getting wasted tonight" I said to my cousin. And we did... The next available flight to Washington DC was August 4 and I was on that plane. But of course, being born under the sign of the pig, something had to go wrong. "Mam you were not booked straight to DC and we need you to come with us." a gentleman at the airport in Senegal said to me in very broken English. All I could think was that "this is not how I want to die" as he led me to an abandoned alley where my bag was. They took my passport and told me to unlock my bag because the scan showed an explosive. Needless to say I will from this day forward never travel with hairspray again. They babbled on in French and then put me back on the plane. I still don't know what happened.

So I arrived at my destination very tired but happy all the same. I met the family that I would be spending 12months with and unpacked my stuff. The months flew by and we did amazing things together. We laughed and cried. There were days when I was sure I was just gonna leave but I had fallen in love with this family. I've always wanted a mom, a dad, and sisters. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and brother to death. But the space where my dad was supposed to be was empty and they filled it. All families have problems but you have to communicate and we did. That is why this social experiment worked.

Last year around January they asked me to extend my contract and stay another year but I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I prayed hard and got my answer. I was driving down the parkway and said aloud "I want to stay" as I was saying this I got this huge smile on my face and I knew I wanted to stay another year. We went on spring break and bad news hit. My host mom was deploying to Iraq for 6months. I then knew why I was supposed to stay. 

I would be lying if I said her not being here was easy. I have never been a mom or had teenagers and now I kind of had to think like one. I felt awkward walking down the street with my host dad because people would give us strange looks and play the "Girlfriend or daughter" game. And when I spoke to other host families about how my host mom was defending their country they would ask "Isn't it weird living alone with a married man?" Like they were expecting me to be some kind of South African whore who was longing for a relationship with a married man who is like a father to me. No one ever thought that I was stressed out. That I was scared as hell that something might happen to my host mom. No, all they could think about was the gossip. I have so much disrespect for all those people. My host mom came back without a scratch and I praise the Lord for that! She was safe and my life could return to normal. 

In January I started to panic as I knew this time there was no extension. Another bomb dropped as my host family heard they were moving to Germany. What did this mean for me? Well just that instead of going home in August I would now be going home in July. I am honestly happy for them but I don't want to leave earlier.

My time is running out fast. Leaving America will be bittersweet. I have met the most amazing people and I have come into contact with the most amazing people. People I will remember for the rest of my life. I'm a little scared to go back to South Africa, back to the person I was before this amazing journey started, but I'm excited to start my life.

I might not be the actress living in Hollywood like I planned but I still have big plans for myself and my return to this beautiful country. In the famous words of Terminator "I will be back"

The Au Pair Diaries: The Experience

I've been getting a lot of emails lately from girls who want to be au pairs so I decided to dedicate a blog to them answering their questions.

So what is it really like being an au pair? Do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear? I prefer the truth.

This has been the best experience of my life. Yes there has been days where all I wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry, but then I think to myself  "You are in A-FREAKING-MERICA". The first three months were the best. Let's call it the "Honeymoon phase" because this is the phase where everyone (you included) put your best foot forward and everything is just so exciting and new and so much better than where you came from. But then you start getting used to everything and you find a friend from the same country as you and suddenly the country you came from is the best place on earth and America is lame and dumb because they don't have Milo and Biltong.

There have been days when I just curled up and cried until it felt like my eyes where going to pop out. There have been days when I've yelled unnecessary and cried some more and got mad. I've called my mom at 01:30am CAT and cried telling her I want to come home because I don't think my family likes me because I was being over sensitive that day.  Your time in America will be determined by YOUR attitude. That was probably the most important thing an au pair friend of mine told me.

I have traveled more in the past 18months than I ever traveled in South Africa. I've been to NYC a couple of times, I've been to New Jersey, Ohio, California, Florida and I am currently planning a road trip on the west coast. If you don't like traveling then come anyway to experience freedom. Americans are so comfortable and  in some areas they are so safe. I don't lock my car, in fact you can go outside to the car right now and find the keys inside. Guess what?? It will still be there tomorrow.

As a person I've grown so much. I used to rely on other people. I needed other people's approval. Now I am an independent strong woman. I promise you the person you are today will not return to South Africa or where ever you are from. Do I still love to head bang and be silly? Of course I do, but I am so much more in control of my life I'm so much more responsible. I trust my own judgement and other people do to. They kind of have to since I have their kids most of the day ;)

I got really lucky when I chose my host family. I love them like my family and I know they love me too. The most important thing I've learned is to not keep everything inside. Talk. I think that is why our relationship is so good. If my family makes me mad I tell them, or if I'm worried or I feel sad we talk about it. If I make them upset about something they come and tell me. Communication is key people!!! lol

So there you go. That is the experience. I can't guarantee you that you will have an awesome family like mine, but if you don't you can always rematch. Don't give up just because one family let you down!

My City

"This City is my city and I love it, yeah I love it, I was born and raised here, I have it made here and if I have my way I'm gonna stay here for life" - Patrick Stump

This song takes me to the city that never sleeps, the city where dreams are made and shattered, the big apple.

New York City is a city loved by many and I am no exception to the rule. My first trip to the city was in the summer of 2011. I arrived in Times Square to be blown away by the magic of billboards and lights. In my head I have always had a picture of what it would look like but never did I imagine it to be this breathtaking. So when daylight finally broke I headed into the city with a couple of friends and we did everything tourists do. It was on my next trip that I would really start to love NYC.

The purpose of this trip was to go to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade. We got there nice and early and got a spot on 58th and 7th and had the greatest time. After the parade we walked in Central Park and baked in the sun like some cold blooded creatures. We then strolled down Madison Ave just to find out that Barneys was closed for the day. New York during the festive season is so amazing. All the shops are decorated and Tiffany's blew my mind. I saw Audrey Hepburn peeking through the window looking at the jewels inside.

When I took the ferry out later that afternoon I was even more awestruck. Seeing the Statue of Liberty, while the sun is going down and the sky is purple and orange, and the city growing smaller and smaller. It was like a painting. A painting that showed of what God can do and what man has created in perfect harmony. Does that even make sense??

As I was standing at the top of the Empire State building, waiting for Sleepless in Seattle, I realized that all the crazy down there is what I have wanted for such a long time. I want that rushed life with no time to chat. The penthouse on the upper East side.

This city is my city and if I could stay here I would! Maybe one day I'll call the subway my car and the city my home. I'll hail a cab, starbucks cup in my hand and head to my corporate job in a 50 story building, and life will be perfect!