When life does NOT hand you lemons

This is a more personal blog. A blog where I will write about my feelings...

It's hard for me to write about feelings because I don't like them. I don't like them because they build up inside me and then it's like a bomb that explodes and I cannot control it. The last couple of weeks have been really hard on me. Stressful.

You're probably reading this and thinking "How in the hell is your job stressful?" Dealing with teenagers is very emotional and add to that the fact that they are being moved to a different country. That is stressful on anyone. But aside from my job, my personal life at the moment is causing me great stress, I think it's more frustration than stress though. And I can't talk to anyone about it because everyone wants to give me their 2cents and all I want is for the person I'm venting to, to tell me I'm allowed to have these feelings... So now, to deal with all these feelings and frustration I'm writing about it.

My frustration starts with the fact that I'm in school and I don't want to be in school I want to be in movies/ TV shows/ on stage. I want to walk down the street and see smiling faces looking at me saying "I loved that movie, I was laughing so much!" or "I could really feel your emotion" I could care less about the money. I just want to see people smile and know I'm the reason. People tell me that I have to be willing to work hard, like they think I just want to walk into a casting and get the lead role. I KNOW I have to work hard and I'm willing to work my ass off to get to the top but I need someone to take a chance on me. As I'm writing this I have tears streaming down my face because I am so passionate about this but I don't know how to make this dream come true. I need to find someone who will be my agent and work for just about nothing, but believes that I'll make it to the top and that they will get a big payday then. I'm frustrated that I didn't grow up in a family that know people who know people because let's be honest 80% of how you make it is based on who you know.

Instead of having the world at my feet I'm sitting on my bedroom floor packing up 2years worth of shit to move back to South Africa. A country that I love but a country that has become to small for me to want to live there. Living in America has given me an appetite for bigger things. Yes, packing up 2years of your life is nothing compared to packing up 10years or 25years. But when you've grown as much as I have in the last 2years it would be hard for you to do too. When you're doing something against your will it's even harder. I just need to find a way to come back...

I'm frustrated because I feel like I was born to be a performer. I'm frustrated because I don't know why God gave me talents and made me passionate about something that is so hard to make a living of. While most people my age dream of their wedding day and having kids, I have my iPod in my ears dreaming about performing side by side with Lady Gaga or starring in a film directed by Clint Eastwood.

But life does NOT want to hand me lemons...yet.